July 9th 2016

Today I found myself stranded at a hotel 45 minutes away from my house. I woke up in my hotel room blind, groggy and fully clothed. The phone rang. It was the front desk, asking if I was coming down to breakfast. The thought of food made my mouth salivate – and not in the good way. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stomach anything, so I declined their offer and jumped in the shower to try and wake myself up. 

Check out was at 10, and the sheet of paper left on my bed when I arrived in the room explicitly said that I needed to leave the grounds by 10:30. 

My issues with that deadline were twofold. First, I was still blind drunk, and not exactly in a position to be driving. Second, I was still blind. After pacing back and forth between the bedroom and the bathroom five times I realised that I’d lost my glasses. And some fragmented memory of the previous night stirred as I thought back and could sort of picture someone saying to me “James, where are your glasses?” 

I’m almost sure that I then walked around the grounds looking for my glasses, which was a pointless task because of the same reasons as I’ve previously discussed. I was drunk, and I was blind. Also: darkness. (See picture that I found on my camera roll this morning – I’m not sure why I took it) 

So at 10am I walked down to reception and checked out, asking hopefully if anyone had handed in a pair of glasses. Nope. They gave me permission to sweep the grounds looking for them, but I didn’t find anything. 

Still too drunk to drive, and without my glasses, I returned to my car and stumbled on the day’s first and only piece of good fortune. My sunglasses were in my car. And my sunglasses are prescription. So, at least, I could drive home when I was in a steady enough position to do so. If I didn’t have my sunglasses, I have no idea how I would’ve got home. 

My next obstacle was sobriety. I’d turned down breakfast and hadn’t drank anything that didn’t contain Vodka for about 16 hours. Actually, that’s a lie. I had a jaeger bomb too – damned free bar. The only way I was going to sober up was by sleeping it off. So I opened my car window a bit, turned the radio down, and cranked my car seat into a horizontal position. 

When I woke up two hours later there was a wedding happening. I sat up and looked around me and groomsmen in matching suits were walking between the car park and the Manor House, carrying flowers and dresses and joy. I decided that it was probably time that I left before I ended up in the background of somebody’s wedding photos, sunglasses covering my eyes and still in last nights clothes. 

I was picking leaves out of my jumper all the way home. I don’t know how I got leaves in my jumper, but I’m guessing it was something to do with my failed midnight spectacle recon mission.

I got home in one piece, with missing glasses and a horrible taste in my mouth.

I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

Until tomorrow, remind me to book an appointment at Specsavers.


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