November 14th 2016

Today I became inexplicably scared of spiders. (Probably don’t read on if you have arachnaphobia) Never in my life previously have I ever been scared of spiders, but for some reason I was today. I came home from work and Alice beckoned me upstairs.

“I need your help!” she said, and that usually means there’s a spider that needs disposing of. So, I went upstairs to help. Usually this is the point where I rip some toilet roll off it’s holder and grab the spider by it’s leg, and then chuck it out of the window. But today was slightly different.

This spider was guarding a nest – incidentally the first time I’ve ever seen a spider’s nest.

I don’t know why but something about the introduction of this nest changed the situation for me. I’d previously seen a video of a spider’s nest being hoovered up and a million baby spiders escaping all over the floor. I’m not entirely sure how factually accurate that video was, but I could see loads of black specs within the nest, and I didn’t particularly want to risk it.

So, I was kind of frozen to be honest. I usually restrict my ‘list of things I’m afraid of’ to ‘only things that can kill me’, and spiders in this country do not usually fall in that latter category – although Alice did say that she thought it was a false widow spider, I have no idea what that means.

It took me a solid five minutes to build up the courage to get the spider away from it’s nest. I used a tried and trusted mechanism of old A5 photograph combined with pint glass and captured the spider within the glass, staying careful not to disturb the nest.

I didn’t want to kill the spider, for some reason, so I through it out of the window. A second story window. I’m going to assume that it survived but it probably didn’t. I then went about murdering all of it’s offspring.

This took more courage, as the back of my eyelids were painted with the video (is that a phrase?) I’d seen of the spider’s nest exploding. I pictured that happening in my bathroom, and that scared me. Honestly, I was scared. And that is not something that happens to me very often. Weirdly, the other night I had a nightmare for the first time in about 15 years and woke up shouting and screaming.

I guess I’m getting emotional in my old age.

I tried to calm myself down by being logical and rational, and then I emptied a can of Lynx deodorant over the nest.

If aerosol poisoning is enough to kill a human, I thought it would probably do the job on a nest of spiders. Still, I proceeded with caution, and when the photograph just bounced off of the gooey spider’s nest I came back upstairs with a knife.

I was momentarily immobilised with fear again. And for a second, Alice even attempted to take over, until she actually got near the nest, screamed, and passed me the knife.





Actually doing it was easy. I just had to talk myself into it because of the, you know, incapacitating fear. And that’s new to me.

Even writing this is freaking me out a little bit.


I then watched I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here and watched a group of people lay in a tomb of 120,000 insects/spiders/rats/critters for five minutes, which in hindsight probably wasn’t a good idea.

Until tomorrow, all round heebie geebies.


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