May 14th 2017
Today Alice and I played a game. It’s called ‘the question game’. The concept is simple. One person asks the other person a question, and then they both answer it. You get it? The questions are like, “What’s the best piece of music you’ve heard recently”, “what would your superpower be?”, “which fictional character would you invite to your wedding?” (Russ – There’s Really A Wolf, mind reading, Jesus)
One question Alice asked was about fear. Her standard answer to ‘What are you most afraid of?’ is ‘spiders’ and my standard answer is ‘death’. Her question today was ‘Aside from the standard answer, what are you afraid of?’
I took the loophole and said ‘dying without having had success.’
‘What qualifies as success?’ she asked, but I didn’t know the answer, and it was my turn to ask a question so I didn’t have to answer hers again anyway.
I don’t know the answer. Not really. We also spoke about where we want to end up in life and I’m not really sure about that either.
I cannot qualify or quantitate ‘success’, but I’m scared of dying without it. She argued that I’ve already experienced success, but I argued that you can never have enough. You don’t just get to a point and think ‘okay, that’ll do’. I can’t see that happening, at least.
It’s never enough. That’s the trick. You’ve just got to work for it, and suffer through it. It’s never enough.
Maybe I’ll get to a point where I can look back on my life and be happy with what I’ve achieved, and on that day I can die a fearless man. But until then I’ve got a lot to do.
Until tomorrow, and I have no idea where to start.