September 5th 2017

Today my calves feel like they’re gonna fall off. I’ve been prancing about on my tiptoes all afternoon because walking flat-footed hurts my calves. I played football after work and I ran like 8km at lunchtime at a pace that a month ago would’ve been well within my capabilities. But, after four weeks of no running, I feel like I’m back to square one.

It’s like a reverse, negative, downwards cycle. If it’s hard, and if it hurts, and if you’re worse than you were then you don’t want to start again.

It was hard today. I panted and I heaved and I stopped before I should’ve. I’ve been suffering ever since. But what about tomorrow? My head feels the pain in my legs and says I don’t want to run tomorrow. But not running is why it hurts. But not running would also stop it hurting.

It’s harder now than it was, so what’s the point in trying? I’d have to double the work to get back to the same standard. You lose it faster than you gain it, I find, though people disagree. Physically, sure. Medically, okay. Something about cardiovascular muscular systems might say that it’s easier to get back to the level that I was at. Physically.

But it’s mental as well. It’s in my head.

My legs hurt so my head tells me not to run, because I’m so uncomfortable with anything beyond my comfort zone and it’s fucking annoying.

A proper runner would say “My legs hurt because I’ve not been running enough.”

Until tomorrow, maybe I’m not a proper runner.


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