July 24th 2018

Today marks ten years since Alice and I first got together, and four days since we broke up.

July 24th 2008 was the first time I asked Alice to be my girlfriend. We’d just been to watch Mamma Mia at the cinema, and I asked her on the way home. She said yes. I can remember exactly where we were standing, and exactly what she was wearing.

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There is a heartbreaking parity that today, on what would have been the tenth anniversary of that date, we were supposed to go and see the sequel to Mamma Mia at the very same cinema. But we broke up on Friday.

In the end, it was the longevity of the relationship that ended it.

We were together for a decade. From aged fourteen, to twenty-four. Neither of us knows what adult life is like without the other. And we don’t really know what we’re going to do with our lives from here, but we need to find out on our own.

For the longest time, the only certainty in our lives was that we’d find out where we were going together, but at a certain point that stopped being enough, and then later it stopped being true.

We’ve seen so much together. We’ve done so much together. We’ve travelled the world together. We’ve grown up together.

It makes it harder that we didn’t break up because we stopped loving each other, or even because we began to hate each other. We just want what’s best for each other, even if that means breaking up.

I’ve spent the last couple of hours going through all of the photos we have together, and reading back through the email conversations we had when we were sixteen. Even back then, we swore to each other that we’d spend the rest of our lives together. That we’d get married, have kids, and grow old together.

And we were on our way. We were getting there. We both thought we would. Until we both thought we shouldn’t.

And although all I want to do is walk into the other room, hug her, and pretend like nothing happened, I can’t. Because all I’ve ever wanted is what’s best for her. And I used to think that was me. But it’s not.

Alice was the reason for all of the best days of my life, and she was by my side on every single one of the worst.

I have no idea how I am supposed to function without her.

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Until tomorrow, I love you so much.

Your Jam


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