Backwards

August 13th 2018

Today I feel like I’m moving backwards.

The letting agent has found someone who wants to rent our house, meaning that we should be free to move out officially at the end of this month.

I’m really not sure how I feel about that. In a way, I’m glad because it means that we’re able to get out of the place earlier than expected and thus save a month’s rent, but on the other hand… it’s my house. And I want to live there. Here.

But instead, I’m moving back to my Mum and Dad’s. And although it will be nice living with them again, I can’t help but feel that my life is going backwards now. I did University. I did travelling. I started my career. I started renting a house with my girlfriend. I was taking all of the necessary steps that you’re supposed to take, and now I have to take one giant leap backwards.

And yes, it will be a good opportunity to save some money — something at which I have been traditionally… bad — but something in my head is making me feel like I’ve somehow failed. I don’t want to be moving backwards. I want to be moving forwards. But in a month’s time I’ll be 25 and living with my parents. That’s not what I pictured.

I always had 25 noted down as a significant birthday. At one point I even wrote about wanting to be married with two kids by 25 (that changed). That notion wasn’t really about any desire to have children, but more of an expectation of progress. After you graduate from University, you get a job, then you get a house, then you get married, then you have kids, and so on until et cetera.

I always strived towards that image of a nuclear family, with the notional and arbitrary goal of being settled by 25. And now, six weeks until I turn 25, I’m anything but settled, and I’m left further behind where I was four years ago.

It’s really hard for me to figure out whether I’m being dramatic or reasonable, whiny or measured. Probably a mixture of all four. That is my nature, after all.

It’s just all a bit shit, really.

And, whiny or not, I’d like that to be documented here on this blog, so that in twenty years time I can look back on this exact post and laugh, because I was young and foolish and had no idea how good things would get. Right?

Until tomorrow, what’s next?

Jacn

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