October 5th 2018

Today I travelled home from a romantic, two-week holiday with my ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I know. We successfully spent two weeks on Skopelos together without A) killing each other or B) getting back together. Before we went away, other people thought that we were mental and that one or both of those options were serious possibilities. But that’s what other people think. And fuck what other people think.

We knew that we needed it. We knew that the holiday would somehow make things harder and easier at the same time. And it has. Although it was heartbreaking to say goodbye to her today when I dropped her off at her house for what could be the last ever time, I left knowing that we’d done the right thing. And she did too.

And I don’t say that “it was the right thing” because we spent the whole holiday arguing, because we didn’t. If anything, we seemed more like a couple than some of the married people in our hotel did. Some of them seemed to really hate each other. And that’s exactly what we didn’t want to end up like.

We didn’t want to wake up as a married couple and realise that we never should have let it get that far. Because if we had doubts about our relationship now, then it would be much harder to get out of in another ten years time, so we’d just end up miserable forever.

And we don’t want to be miserable.

The reason that I’m less sad than I thought I’d be is — besides the fact I did a lot of my crying before the holiday — because the only thing I really want is for Alice to be the happiest she can be. And I’ve accepted that that’s not going to be with me.

She is my absolute favourite person in the world, and if she’s happy, I’m happy. And I know that’s reciprocal too. Despite what everyone else thought, we both knew going into the holiday that we wouldn’t be getting back together. So we could just enjoy ourselves. And we really, really did. We had so much fun, and it reminded me why we get on so well, and why we’ve always just worked. 

But we’re both okay with the holiday being the end of it. It’s the right thing to do. And we ended it on a high note, and not many ex-couples can say that.

We didn’t avoid the fact that we’re still in love with each other, because we are still in love with each other. In fact, we kept a semi-ironic scoreboard of how many times we each accidentally said ‘I love you’ to the other.

For the record, the Final Score was Alice 9-8 James, but I’m not sure whether that means I won or lost.

Until tomorrow, I definitely lost in one way or another.



4 thoughts on “Lost

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