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November 20th 2018

Today is not November 20th. Today, when I’m writing this, is November 21st. Yesterday was November 20th. Yesterday, for the first time in the four years since I started it, was the first time I’ve ever forgotten to write a daily blog post.

I don’t even have a particularly good reason why I didn’t do it. I wasn’t too busy. I wasn’t rendered unable to upload by a force outside of my control. I wasn’t in some way incapacitated or incarcerated or intoxicated. I just forgot. For the first time ever, I forgot.

I didn’t fall asleep uncharacteristically early — in fact, I was awake and on my computer until almost 1am. I was finally going through all the photos and videos from the holiday I went on last month. That’s not a reason to forget though.

My goal was to do a daily blog post every day for the rest of my life. I was four years in. I figured the only way that I wouldn’t be able to post one is if I ended up in jail, or in hospital. And I actually had a contingency plan in place for that first one.

WordPress — the site with which this blog is hosted — allows you to submit blog posts by text. So, given that I’d doubt a policeman would be receptive to my plea of “dude, but what about my blog?” he might be more receptive to me sending a text. I’d text the WordPress number with the message “Today I am in jail. Unitl tomorrow, I’ll explain later”. And then I might have a chance of not missing that day. That sounds stupid, I know, but that’s how important it was to me that I never miss a day.

But now I have. And I don’t know what the point of any of this is anymore.

I’ve come close to forgetting before. I’ve been seconds from falling asleep and sat bolt upright in my bed and realised that I’d not done my blog yet. I’ve had a dead phone at 4am while on a ski resort halfway up a mountain in Andorra, but I still found a way to upload (Borrowed a friend’s phone, downloaded the WordPress app). 

This morning I didn’t even realise I’d forgotten until I got a text from my Mum.

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For a split second I considered lying. I considered saying “Oh yeah, I did write one, but it must not have sent you the notification for some reason” and then I’d hurriedly script a fake blog post and change the upload date to yesterday and pretend like nothing happened, and no one would ever know. But I’d know. This whole thing is for me. It’s to discipline myself into doing something every single day.

And now I don’t know what to do. I’ve written this first thing in the morning not because I feel like it in some way makes up for missing yesterday, but just because writing about things that happen to me is my own special way of dealing with things. And maybe that should continue to be the point of this diary, and that I shouldn’t feel so bad about missing a day, because the timeframe isn’t as important as the act.

But I’m fucking crushed.

I feel flat.

As sad as it sounds, for the last four years this blog has been the one thing that I defined my life around. No matter what else happened, or what else changed, this was an every day constant. And now it’s gone.

Until tomorrow, or maybe not tomorrow.

Jacn

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