December 14th 2018

Today I was feeling particularly lost and lonely on my commute home from work, so I did something quite stupid. But, before I did that one stupid thing I did 11 other more sensible things. Basically, I was dreading the idea of going back and spending another Friday night at home alone with my Mum and Dad — not through any fault of theirs, but more of the situation, and how lost and lonely it makes me feel — so I tried desperately to find something to do with my evening.

First, I phoned my sister but she didn’t answer, so I phoned her boyfriend, and they had plans. I phoned my cousins, but they were both busy. I phoned the one friend I have left in Swindon but he was on his way to Reading to see his girlfriend. I phoned my friend in Reading, but he too was on his way home to see his girlfriend. I phoned my friend in Coventry, and was willing to get on a train as soon as I could to spend the weekend there, but he was off early in the morning anyway. And the other friend I would’ve called is in Sweden for the weekend.

And so, I phoned my ex-girlfriend. I needed a friend, and in a fucked up way she’s the closest thing to a friend I have left in Swindon. I needed someone to talk to about the issues and problems and concerns I’ve been having lately, and I needed the advice not to be sugar-coated.

I’m just lost. And lonely. And I was made to feel even more lonely by the fact that every single person I called on tonight was already busy. I don’t blame them for that, of course, because what kind of saddo wouldn’t already have plans on a Friday night two weeks before Christmas, eh? (spoiler alert: it’s me)

It was very spur-of-the-moment, but I just couldn’t go home and sit in the void again all evening. I had to get out and do something. So I took my ex out for dinner. Perhaps a stupid idea. But it was nice. And horrible. And helpful. And I feel temporarily better, but I know there’s work I need to do on myself in the long term. I’m just scared of that work.

I’m thankful that we ended things on good enough terms that she could be there for me tonight when I needed her, without it being weird, or awkward.

Until tomorrow, like I said, I just needed a mate.

Jacn