August 4th 2020
Today I fell victim to Jeff Bezos’s master plan and forgot to cancel my Amazon Prime free trial. That motherfucker is a sneaky one. No wonder he’s, like, loaded. That’s how they get you. They entice you in with some free shit and never let you leave. Like, sure, I could just go in and cancel it now, but I’ve already signed up so it’s probably more hassle, right? Plus, what if I want free next day delivery on the next single item that I order from Amazon in like maybe two or three months time. If I cancel my Prime I’ll have to wait perhaps an entire extra day for my hoover to arrive. Bezos knows that. Bezos knows that the only thing stopping me from spending £150 on a Hoover was the extra £4.99 I would’ve had to pay for delivery. But now? Now I have no choice but to fork over £200 to Amazon. Where did the extra £50 come from? Well I added a new set of sautee pans to my basket because Bezos knows I’ve been thinking about that too. Fucking Bezos. It went from a free trial to £7.99 renewal to £249.99 because
for fuck sake I’ve just bought a Wok.
They have everything I need. There’s no use going anywhere else. Everywhere else has delivery that takes greater than one day. And I’m getting this next day delivery for free! I mean, for it to be free delivery I need to order greater than 1.6 things from Amazon per month, which I was not doing before but now I’ll start doing it more frequently. And I don’t even need to go to the shop at all anymore. Everything is on Amazon. I may as well cancel my Spotify and Netflix subscriptions now too because Amazon Prime does all that too, for less money, so really I’d be saving money by not cancelling my Prime subscription. No, stop. He’s in your head, James. That shiny-headed man has taken over the world and now he’s taking over your soul.
Until tomorrow, fucking Bezos.