October 26th 2020

Today I was looking forward to going to work for the sheer reason that it keeps my brain engaged. It gives me something to do. It’s something that demands my attention, and distracts me from doing nothing. And I don’t like doing nothing at the moment. Doing nothing is lonely.

Anyway, I was excited to be at work for maybe 10 minutes until I learned that I won’t be getting any commission payments this month because we’ve not hit our target. And that put a downer on the rest of my year. Because since my flatmate moved out, I can’t really afford not to get paid my bonus, which means next month will be a struggle.

Of course, I could just stop absolutely shitting the money I do earn on food and drink at restaurants, but then I’d have to spend more time alone in my flat doing nothing. And that doesn’t sound fun either. So it’s a tricky balance, really, I’m either depressed because I’m poor or depressed because I’m lonely. Oooh boy this is a fun post to write.

I dunno, I just feel shit. And with work, I feel like nothing we’re doing is really making a difference, so that makes me feel pretty helpless. And so I’m back in this situation that I hate to be in where I have to just sit back and let life happen to me.

Also, it’s sad because I draw basically most of my sense of accomplishment in life from work, and I’m even failing at that lately.

That said, I am also just in a terrible, bleak mood, so I might feel differently tomorrow.

Until tomorrow, I won’t, but I might!

Jacn