December 15th 2020

Today I did that thing I do where I compare my life to other people’s and inevitably feel like a bit of a failure.

A uni friend of mine shared with the group chat some photos of the house he’s just bought with his girlfriend. It’s stupidly big. Like, it has more stories than I have rooms in my flat. That seems excessive.

And though I am genuinely impressed, and pleased for him, it naturally made me compare myself to him. Sure, he’s moving in with his girlfriend. So he has two incomes there. Also, it’s in mid-Wales, where houses are cheaper than cars. And yeah, he was third in our year at Uni — in terms of results. A first in Maths is doing him well.

And so yeah there’s lots of caveats and stuff. And don’t get me wrong, I do really enjoy the way that I’ve chosen to live my life. I have a lot of holidays. I socialise well (when Covid isn’t around). I generally enjoy it. There’s just always a sense of wanting to have it all. I want to have that life I lead, but I also kinda want to buy a house like that. But then also, I want to go and rent a place in a sky rise in London and be near my friends. Also I want to go move to Berlin. Also I wanted to stay in New Zealand and live in a hostel for a year.

James, you can’t have it all. I just don’t know what I want more. And in taking so long to figure that out, I miss out on having anything, really.

Until tomorrow, I want more, I want it all.

Jacn