Control

January 27th 2021

Today I just feel a bit lost. I don’t know what I want, or where I’m going, or what I’m doing. I’m thinking I might sell my car and buy a house just because it’s something to do.

I have no control over what’s happening in most of my life at the moment. I can’t change the things that frustrate me about work, or life, or covid. I just have to let those things happen to me.

I would be in control of buying a house though. And at least that feels like I’m doing something. That’s quite an investment just because I’m bored though. I’m bored, and I’m stuck, and I’m still. And I don’t like it. So I just want something to change.

I don’t even really want to buy a house. I don’t even really want to have a house. I just want to do something. I want something to happen. I want my life to change in some way. It’s been like a year of nothing really changing, and that’s getting to me.

I have this breakdown roughly every six months, where I feel like I’m behind everyone else and I’m a failure and I’m not doing anything with my life. And I guess we’re here again.

But, like, I have a good life. I have a good job, and a supportive family, and my own place, and I’m fit and healthy. But I don’t think about that. I think about the stuff that I don’t have. And that’s fucked, but it’s also human.

Idk. This is a rant you’ve heard before. It’s a rant I’ve written before. It’s a rant I’ll write again.

Until tomorrow, same thing six months from now?

Jacn

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