August 5th 2021

Today, do you know what really grinds my gears? Marketers. Marketeers? People who do marketing. Specifically digital marketing. More specifically people who do digital marketing for John Lewis. More accurately, potentially, the Commercial Product Managers and the Digital Marketing team at John Lewis.

Yesterday I viewed a thing that I wanted to buy and it was £90 on John Lewis (.com). It was also £90 on Curry’s (.com). Something something price match. Because it takes me at least a day of thinking to build up the courage to purchase anything that costs more than the price of a steak dinner, I didn’t immediately purchase it last night, even though I knew it was what I wanted.

After talking myself into it, I returned to John Lewis (.com) today to buy the thing, and it was now inexplicably priced at £160. For the same product. 16 hours later. £70 more.

I don’t know for sure that this is true, but my theory is that they increase the prices when they realise demand is high. They know there are a lot of people looking at it, so they don’t need to drive the demand with an offer, so they put the price up. That is my theory. Something something browser-based cookies. When I looked yesterday there was even one of those aggressive “8 people are looking at this right now!” boxes.

£70 more. 16 hours later. I tried to incognito it to outsmart the fuckers but it did not work.

Fucking digital marketers and your fucking digital marketing.

And of course I paid the extra £70. I didn’t have a choice. Paying the extra £70 was a lot cheaper than the alternative of buying the patent for a Delorean-shaped time machine as well all of the materials. I hear weapons-grade plutonium is expensive these days.

‘Weapons-grade plutonium’ is one of those phrases that you should just never ever ever type on the internet because you’ll end up on some kind of list. I’m hoping that by typing it twice I have cancelled it out. I don’t want to be on that list.

And I don’t even mean the FBI watch list. I mean the retargeting list of some fucking digital marketer who now knows I’m on the lookout for time machine materials and is gonna flood my Instagram feed full of adverts for “non-ferrous metals” and “gluten free hybrid periodic elements” for me to sink my money into.

Until tomorrow, wankers, the lot of them.


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