December 23rd 2021

Today I had to drive home early. I just needed to be around people. I needed to be with my family. I’ve been trying really hard not to be around anyone, because I don’t want to be a drain on anybody, but eventually that became unsustainable.

I went into town this afternoon and had a mild panic attack in a H&M because of the number of people, plus the coat/mask/glasses/headphones I was wearing made me feel claustrophobic.

So I went for dinner by myself. That’s not a thing I do. I always feel like an absolute chump asking for a table of one, so I rarely do it. Bao and BBQ was nice, though. I rushed it but that’s fine.

Right now the only place I really feel safe is within my own flat, and I’m kind of abusing that. I don’t want to leave my flat. I don’t want to talk to people because they might ask me about things. I don’t really want to do much.

So I realised that I’m not doing a particularly good job of looking after myself, so I drove home to my parents’ to let them look after me instead.

Mum and I cooked dinner together, and we all played scrabble, and I mostly forgot about everything until I had to write about it again and here we are.

Until tomorrow, idk.

James