Stasis

January 1st 2022

Today is New Year’s Day. Happy New Year! I’ve celebrated by napping a lot. I’ve had four naps and no food. I didn’t want to leave the house to go to the shop, and then I slept through until it was already closed, so I ate a packet of microwave rice, a fried egg, and a coconut Naan bread for dinner. Exotic.

As I always do on New year’s Day, I’ve been reading over last NYD’s blog entry. Last year, I reflected on the fact that 2020 had actually been a great year. 2021 wasn’t so good.

I wrote in last year’s blog how for the most part I’m happy as long as I feel like my life is moving forward. I used my favourite quote, which I will re-use again now:

Comfort is danger. Stasis is death.

I think the thing that I really struggled with about 2021 is that nothing really changed. I ended the year in the same situation as I started it, in many ways. Covid is still around, there’s been no significant changes in my worklife or lovelife, and I’m still living in the same place.

And like, I am sometimes happy with those things, but the absence of progress frustrates and depresses me. It’s been a weird year, and perhaps it was right to prioritise “just getting through it” over any great advancements, but I don’t want another year of that. I don’t want to read this blog in a year’s time and again think “hmm, nothing’s really changed this year either”

And so, I have two goals for 2022. And those are these:

  1. Buy a house
  2. Get a dog

Sometimes my goals for the year are more abstract, whereas those two are quite defined. My thinking behind them is this:

  1. There are many parts of my life right now that I feel like I have no control over. I feel like a lot of things are just happening to me, and that I don’t really have any agency of anything. I get this feeling that I’m just floating along, letting the current take me. Buying a house would give me something to have control over. It would be something for me, and I think I really need that right now.
  2. Part of my depressive episode in the last couple weeks has been because I feel desperately lonely. I hoped that being around people at Christmas would help that, and it did to some extent, but also being around lots of people makes me feel the absence of that particular person, and that’s hard to deal with. I think I need to get better at being alone, and a good way to achieve that is by not being on my own. Hence dog. Having a furry friend who loves me without question would do wonders for my mental health.

I feel like both of those things are achievable in this year. And they need to be achieved in specifically that order. I think if I can do those things it would make me feel better about many of the problems in my life that I can’t control. I don’t want to set any reflective, philosophical goals like “figure out who you are” or “learn to be alone” because those are overwhelming, but comparatively, buying a house seems quite trivial.

Until tomorrow, I can do this.

Jacn

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