Numb

February 14th 2022

Today I spent most of the day trying not to acknowledge the fact that it’s Valentines Day. Unfortunately, I have this annoying convention of starting every day’s post with the date, and so in this case I’ve been unable to avoid it as easily as I’ve avoided Instagram today.

Like, I’m glad you’re all happy but can you do it somewhere else please.

You know, there was a time in my life when I thought I was incapable of love. I didn’t really know what it felt like. I thought that meant there was something wrong with me.

And then it happened so quickly and so intensely that it paralysed me. Nothing about the world made sense anymore, and the only thing that mattered was being with her.

It’s strange, because I in no way saw it coming, but looking back, it was the most obvious, most natural thing to ever have happened. It was as obvious as gravity. Or electromagnetism.

Okay maybe electromagnetism is a bit niche, but it’s also fundamental to the existence of the universe. And that’s kind of how it felt.

It felt cosmic. Innate. Like the easiest thing in the world. But also the hardest.

We would fly up, up, up in the air, but gravity would bring us down to earth. And that cycle would repeat.

In the end, we couldn’t break the cycle. I didn’t have the patience to make it work. She didn’t have the strength.

I love her with absolutely everything that I have, which is part of the problem, because I’m not sure which parts of me I have left. So now that we’re not together, I’ve lost any understanding of who I am, where I am, what I want from life, or where I’m going. I’d wrapped so much of myself up into the idea of being with her forever that, now that we’re apart, I have no idea what to do with myself.

So now, like I was by the strength and ferocity with which I fell in love with her, I’m paralysed again. Slightly numb. She’d call it cold. I’ll say I’m trying to be strong. Really I’m just numb.

Until tomorrow, be beautiful, be brilliant, be brave.

James

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